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anger management
Anger management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know. Take it out on
someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Mike. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right freakin'
number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that
anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to
call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung
up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in
my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills
or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, " You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar
with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and
said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that
spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (by this
time I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW
asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and
the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my
black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And
you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way home to kill my gay
lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray
Blvd, Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in
time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of
six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really works...
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